Funny Crap

Jokes, Stories, and Observations (In No Order)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't
blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so
people don't blame everything on Satan."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
fake whole relationships."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks
or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no
matter how bad it is."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

This is a warning we all should take note of: Sad News About Beer, You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable.Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A sad day I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about: There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.  Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and .  .  .  well, you know the rest.

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just obviously enjoying himself.  He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big-brute engines.  I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.  I take orders from no one!" "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.   "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5", pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond.  Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times".

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity, she goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."